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This ill-defined concept of loving and living

I've never quite known what to make of it.
I recall staring at puddles as a child,
while the others played. Staring at the ripples
fabricated by raindrops.
I should say I was pondering the meaning of life,
But I was not. My mind simply wandered,
like a blind man in the midst of a thunderstorm,
Purposelessly.
Later, I was taken with horizons, wide expanses,
feeling my sight struggling to fill the vast space with undefined emotion.
Even during social gatherings,
Flirtations, romantic entanglements,
my mind always returned to those ethereal moments
under the stars, the free skies, boundless landscapes, empty surroundings.

I feel too much at ease with the void.
I fear I get too close to it.